Memorial Day:I'm not trying to be satirical or snide by this at all, but there is something about how distinctly American Wal-mart is

The little girl is walking out with her mom off camera carrying a bag of chips. It's junk food and yet we live in enough luxury that we can easily obtain and eat whereas in so many children starve in other places.

Oh I wonder...

Those who know, know

The shattered dreams of Bro Clark and Bro Atkinson found off the sidewalk on a rainy mid-morning in Rexburg

Sorry Brother Wheeler

So I have this photo journal assignment, but I shoot in raw format, which is too big to for the internet AND my computer lacks the chops to format it...sorry Brother Wheeler I promise I took the picture and it was really nice. I went ballroom dancing with a friend and since he teaches we got there long before anyone else was there and so I go a pic of a completely empty dance studio...I just can't upload it

My roommates don't think I have a sense of humor....lol

A couple of my roommates are rather young, which means I seem really old to them. Pandy and I were talking last night and she put forth the idea that they take me seriously ALL the time. And you can't really hold it against them: I listen to opera and can be seen reading for pleasure what they are forced to read for class. We're such opposites so it's understandable that they wouldn't get me...oh well I suppose I am a little too serious from time to time--my inner mom I guess. Maybe I should do something spontaneous and silly today...after homework :)

ps I have revised my goals lists so that I blog once a week...maybe when I have kids I'll like blogging daily b/c then I can talk about them and not just me :)

Be in peace, not pieces

Today I went up to the Temple, but because of my appointment and the number of people ahead of me I didn't have time to do baptisms or confirmations. I was able to sit in the baptistry chapel for a while and ponder. I read over some scriptures and thought about the words that Bing said in a blessing he gave me before he left. I felt peace over my future and what Heavenly Father had in store for me. There are so many questions I have. In less than 11 months I will be graduating college. I send in my applications to graduate school this October and should hear back from them by Christmas. I never thought I would graduate from here single, but now in the final year I find myself tempted to just board up in my apartment and study and prepare for grad school rather than throw in one last ditch effort for dating. We'll see what happens eventually

Oh I wonder...

Ahh the sweet smell of academia...

Yesterday I had the opportunity of teaching college students. My former English teacher, Dr. Chaucer, invited me to present on art photography to his two humanities classes. They have a photo assignment coming up and Dr. Chaucer has been really disappointed in the quality of work previous semesters have submitted. I ended up teaching for the entire hour, but it all went by so fast and I LOVED IT!!! I can't wait to get to grad school now so that I can begin teaching in college. Man I love the Arts!!!

Also here is a beautiful sonnet by John Milton that Dr. Chaucer assigned his classes and out of curiosity I looked it up last night:

When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide
And that one talent³ which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless,⁴ though my soul more bent
To serve therewith⁵ my Maker, and present
My true account,⁶ lest he returning chide;
"Doth God exact⁷ day labor, light denied?"
I fondly⁸ ask. But Patience,⁹ to prevent
That murmur, soon replies,^. "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts.¹⁰ Who best
Bear his mild yoke,¹¹ they serve him best. His state
Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed,^.
And post¹² o'er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait.¹³

Where are you going? Where have you been?

I spend a lot of time feeling old...ridiculous since I'm only 22, but it is very easy to feel old before your time here lol. I find I think to much about the times I used to have before my best friends both got married, before Trevor happened. I act as if my best years were behind me for some strange reason. I find I've been becoming something of a hermit preferring to stay in my apt and study rather than socialize...the ease and comfortableness I feel at not having plans for the weekend or being asked out on a date in the longest time ....well it kind of scares me. I must stay outgoing and social! I remember a talk by Elder Holland that he gave at a BYU Devotional about Lot's wife. He admonishes us to not look back on past days thinking that the future can't be as happy and bright. We deny ourselves of happiness because the times are only so good as you believe or make them to be! So I am putting away the computer and going to go talk to someone, by gummit!

Monday, Monday, so good to me...

Today I had a rather productive day. I got all my laundry done, finished my photo presentation for Dr. Chaucer's class, got a model for my panoramic assignment in digital photo, took photos for my abstract assignment in Color photo and got quite a bit a writing done for my novel. I hope I stick to my goal and actually get to writing actual chapters and some day finish it, I want to send it to my mom when it is all done--I think she would like the story. As anyone who knows me well knows, I am very much a fan of Jane Austen. However all her books take place when the protagonist is young and falling in love and ends in marriage. We all know that life doesn't end with a wedding and happily ever after, and so I wanted to write a novel that explored that, the reality that there's a whole other story. It centers around three women at different ages: late 20's, mid 20's and late teens and their different perspectives on their lives, each others' lives, and relationships

Even though the story takes place almost 200 years ago, I have drawn a lot on some experiences from friends here in my own life. The youngest girl in particular is based off a friend of mine. She married very quickly and after very little dating experience. I remember going to her reception and noticing that she look sad, not radiant like you'd expect a young bride to be. I found out later that in the days and weeks leading up to her marriage she had apprehensions about it and was scared. I felt so sorry for her, how could she fully appreciate love and marriage without having the experience of other relationships before and the disappointment of thwarted feelings. I realized that because of my experiences and disappointments, because I had time to enjoy being single and live life on my own for a while that when I get married I can have full confidence in my choice to get married, without regrets or apprehension. I see her every now and again, always this distant, wistful look about her, as if she's had to grow up before her time. She's having a baby soon, I hope she takes my offer to baby sit, I want to help her in whatever way I can...it must be so hard to all of a sudden be married and soon to be mother when you're so young. Once one of my friends who is also married commented on how exciting my life is since I am planning on grad school and have the freedom to go to England, sometimes I wonder if my aforementioned friend doesn't think that as well. I remember when I was 19 and just out of high school and young womens, those girls in the early-mid 20's who had been on their own for a while and had had several boyfriends and adventures, they seemed so sophisticated, independent, and experienced. I know I envied them at that age and now I am them. I wonder if my friend doesn't envy me some, I still get to date and have fun as a single woman, I still can choose my husband, I'm going to grad school in England, I don't have the ties and responsibilities of a husband and children... and when I do have them I will be joyously ready for them.

Oh I wonder...

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted....

This past week I've been a bit of a "Dr. Lara". Two of my friends are in relationships that aren't right for them. They know they ought to end it but fear is getting in the way. They're afraid that it isn't the Spirit guiding them, they're afraid of hurting the other person, they're afraid of being alone. I wish they could have an eternal perspective. Not all relationships are meant to end in marriage and when that becomes clear for both practical and personal reasons it is time to move on. You aren't sparing anyone pain or inconvenience by dragging out the process, you're only compounding it. It is much better to let that person go and progress on their own path. The Lord will see to their needs and guide them to someone who will make them happy. You aren't really hurting them and the grand scheme of things, you're helping them along. Do not kid yourselves that putting off the end is sparing the other person grief, the reality is that you do not want to feel the pain of breaking up with that person --this is selfishness, if you were really concerned about the other's well being, you would end it rather than lead them on. I wish they could understand that it is worth it to find someone right for you and to not settle. Sometimes we young, single mormons get so focused on the act of getting married, that we forget about the marriage. The Lord would not have us marry someone we are not happy with, but He'll let us do it if we choose to because we have our agency. The marriage that Heavenly Father would have for us is one with someone we truly delight in, respect, and admire...someone who struggles when we struggle and someone he we want to be with through thick and thin. A temple marriage is not a band-aid or an escape from life's hardships or relationship difficulties had while dating. A temple marriage should be entered into by it's own merit and by no other motive--two people who love each other and are ready to build a life together. Not from social, family or personal pressure, out of desperation or any other emotion...but out of love and the peaceful assurance that it is the will of God. It is worth it, it is so worth it! Do not make such decisions lightly, do not throw away your lives on a relationship that is not worthy of either partner. Be patient, trust the Heavenly Father has a plan for you and will guide you to the best person for you and you will know then that it is right and all the suffering and trial before will be a blessing. Trust in the Atonement that it can heal you and your former partner, because it will if you let. Trust in yourself and the Spirit's promptings, when you know something is right do it!--without equivocation just do it then! Trust in Him who loves you most, He really will guide you for your own good and happiness,

Read this: Elder Holland's talk "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" which every young single or married adult should read

Oh I wonder...

A Lesson Learned from Nie

Many of us bloggers follownienie and know about her struggles with the burns that cover 80% over her body. When I first watched her mormon messages video, one of the first things that came to my mind is how, if I were in her place, how I would rue any day I had wasted time on not feeling pretty enough. And so today I did a little character boost, normally my daily make-up regime looks like this:

But today I decided to stretch myself a little and embrace my natural beauty, so I cut it all in half:

And what do you know, I still am pretty...thanks Nie for teaching us how to be.

It's A Good Thing I'm Reading This Now....

University of Plymouth may edge out over Durham University but the simple virtue of my liking Utopia more than Beyond Good and Evil. I've read about 7 pages of the former and 16 of the latter. Perhaps I am reading Nietzsche too fast and need to take time to mull over what he is saying, but right now I think he is being a little to florid in his writing. While reading, I inwardly grown "get on with it! What are you trying to say?" In the words of Shakespeare, "Brevity is the soul of wit". Nietzsche spends in awful lot of time referencing other philosophers and enjoys sprinkling Latin phrases where ever he can--this I am not impressed with, as a novice reader cannot read and fully understand him without having the internet and a dictionary on hand to comprehend what he is talking about. Wouldn't be the mark of a great philosopher that he can explain his ideas to people without their having to be philosophy scholars already? What good is it if only philosophers can understand you?

Utopia, on the other hand, was written almost 500 years ago, and I have not had a problem understanding that!-- is that not evidence of More's superior writing skills? Here are a couple of quotes that I enjoyed from the first few pages of Utopia, I think I'll have to re-read Nietzsche at a slower pace or at least talk to Bro. Chaucer about it.

"Most people know nothing of learning; many despise it"
"I would rather say something inaccurate than tell a lie, because I would rather be honest than clever"
"You must do everything you can to make yourself as agreeable as possible to the persons you live with, whether they were provided by nature, chance, or your own choice, as long as you don't spoil them by your familiarity or turn servants into masters through over-indulgence."

Now I wonder...

I don't have kids yet...so I blog about myself....I promise I'm not this self-absorbed

I used to obsess over looking good... model good... in photos. But since I've become a photo major it's all about the most ridiculous poses I can do. Here are some of the latest:

I'm so glad my friends find my corny, outlandishness funny ....It's so much easier to be funny than cool

Now I wonder...

Goals

This past Tuesday we had an amazing Devotional address by Elder Dennis B Neuenschwander called "I Take My Journey". Here's the link to go read it : He told a story about how he had some difficulty committing to writing his doctoral dissertation. I quote directly from that talk:
"One day my chairman called me into his office – hardly ever a pleasant experience – and asked me a very specific question: “Will you write your dissertation this year?” I tried to skirt the question with some very lame excuses. But he kept pressing me. Finally I realized that I had to answer with either a yes or a no. If my answer were “no”, I knew that my formal education would be over and that I would never reach my goal, even if I had traversed much of the required road. If my answer were “yes”, I knew that I would have to act differently than I had up to that point...When I finally said yes with some conviction, his demeanor changed. He became my mentor instead of my tormentor. “Good”, he said, “I will tell you how to do it”. Then there came a series of questions: “How many months in a year?” I was a doctoral student and felt that I could answer that one. “Twelve”, I answered. He then demanded that I set twelve goals. The next question was: “how many weeks in a month?” To which I answered four. He wanted me to write four goals for each one of the twelve. Then he had me set seven daily goals for each of the four weeks in each month. He knew that if I could complete my goal every single day, that I would complete my dissertation by the end of the year. He then gave me this counsel: “don’t go to bed any night until you have completed your daily goal.” He was right. I completed each of my daily goals, often without sleep. By the end of the year I was defending my dissertation. It is the constancy of your commitment and personal discipline that bring you to your destinations."

And so with that in mind, I have made some goals that I will be working on this semester: 1)Grow spiritually (when is this ever not our goal), 2)Apply to grad school 3) Get straight A's, 4) Improve my literacy.

So monthly goals: (all four main goals seem to interweave and overlap in execution)
Get Visiting Teaching done
Have all information together for my top 5 grad schools
Read two books related to the grad programs I'm applying to (This month it's Utopia by Thomas More -6pgs a day- and Beyond Good and Evil by Nietzsche -8pgs- a day)
Have at least 3 followers on my blog
Have 2 chapters of my novel done

Weekly Goals:

Visit the Temple
Print off the information pages for my different Grad schools
Have all assignments that can be done within a week, done within seven days of the teachers' initial assigning of them
Comment on four of the blogs I follow and have seven pages of text for my novel

Daily goals:
Pray: the first and last thing I do every day
Read the RS and Sunday school lessons with my scripture study
Write in my journal
Write one blog entry
Read the required number of pages I need to in my books
30 min on my novel
Look at one grad school and email the department
Study four hours a day

It looks like a lot, but only taking 12 credits and being unemployed and single---I have time

My daily schedule looks something like this with class falling in between tasks

Pray
Read Scriptures and RS lesson
Read Utopia
Blog entry
Study 4 hours
Look at school
Email program
30 min story dev
Read Beyond Good and Evil
Read Scriptures and Sunday School lesson
Journal
Pray

And so tomorrow it begins...unless Pandy and I must go on a roadtrip, which under the circumstances is more important. She is going through a REALLY stressful time right now and is in need of some time to get away from everything, and so because I love her I will set aside my ambitions and be her support. "People are more important that things"

Pandy and I on our last roadtrip


Now I wonder...

Perspective

I came across this video on another blog, of which I am a huge fan. I quickly felt those warm tears of compassion for this woman as well as that knowledge that our Heavenly Father loves us and cares for us. Comparatively, I am a stranger to trials and tribulations. The worst things that ever happened to me were my own self-doubts, disappointments in dating, and sorrow for mistakes I had made--nothing even close to on par with this wonderful woman. I think we women especially feel for because we feel how important it is for us to feel beautiful and attractive...something I don't think the menfolk can really comprehend. NieNie has inspired me, in this instance, to not take my body for granted. After watching her video and reading her blog, I was doing this and that around the apartment. After washing my hands I caught my reflection in the mirror and took a moment to study it--not in search of renegade eyebrow hairs, or determine if I need to wax my upper lip (no one's perfect), or to regard a little pimple or see little wrinkles coming in--laugh lines= good, worry wrinkles =bad. This time I noticed all the things I love: my gold, silky hair; my blue, almond shape eyes; my clean, pale skin and unique heart shaped bone structure--so indicative of my German descent, that well shaped nose from my Dad, the rosebud mouth from my Oma (I think of how much I love its shape and hue in those moments just after I wake up)--I am a lovely girl and sometimes I take this for granted. I fret over pictures that might not be so flattering, my appearance after a long day and no make up on, I think my cheeks are a little pudgy, and I get so mad at my hair for being so smooth and silky that there's nothing I can do with it except brush and then 7 seconds later it's all in little knots at the nape of my neck again--about all it's good for is running my fingers through it. But now I feel blessed, exceedingly blessed--more than I deserve. So what if I never tan, so what if I have serious joules when I'm old, what does it matter that I have to bring a brush everywhere and put my hair in a quick, nonflattering bun before I face the ever blowing wind. What does any of this matter, there are so many more important, beautiful things in life-- other people to make feel beautiful and wonderful, rather than myself. And in helping them reach and feel their full potential and their divine worth, I am made more beautiful too...isn't that so much better than just me sitting in front of mirror preening?

Now I wonder...

The Future

Right now I'm sitting at the library having just looked over my potential grad schools once again. Wednesday I will email all the departments for additional info pertinent to me, but first I will ask one of my teachers for advice on what kind of questions to ask. I was talking to my parents the other day about graduating and grad plans and I most have been getting into unnecessary detail over it because my Dad chimed in, "Lara that's a year from now, you could be married by then"...I wouldn't bet money on that Dad. I think my dad may have figured out that paying for me to get married would be cheaper than paying my way through grad school. Grad school (and if I get an MA I might as well get a Ph.D, right?) costs thousands of dollars, and my wedding plans are basically give me a wedding dress and a Temple date and we're set (unless my mom has anything to say about it). We cannot predict the future but I have two or three really good reasons why more likely then not my college diploma will bear the same one that's on my high school one. First, I'm not dating anyone. In fact my last relationship ended not too long ago and I average at least six months between relationships (not on purpose mind you). Second, it's very hard for me to find men who I am compatible with, and dating Derrick didn't make it any easier. Before I met him I thought I was too unique of a personality to ever find someone who was all the things I was looking for. I figured my path to the Temple would mean finding a nice guy, someone I felt comfortable with, who liked me, and we'd have a few things in common--enough to make a relationship work at least. But then I met Derrick, and everything changed. I met him in the parking lot of my complex. We had two mutual friends (Bingley and Don) who were both his roommates. Don was getting married and we both were hitching a ride with Bing to the reception. At the time I had no plans for dating, just that day I had turned in an application for a summer internship. I had already been dissappointed by 3 guys that semester and after the third made the hasty decision to go home for the summer. Derrick had just gotten off his mission and this was his first semester at school--you can guess what his ideas on dates were. Well, while standing in the recieving line to see the bride and groom, Derrick asks me out on a date. I said yes, but I was certainly taken back by this--I had only met him 15 minutes before. I get really nervous and uncomfortable when guys I hardly know or am not interested in ask me on dates. After giving my regards to the newly wedded couple, I braced myself to sit with Derrick at a table and get to know him better. Shortly into our conversation, my trepidation melted away into excitement. Derrick was just the type of guy I went for and I knew then that there was going to be more than just a friendly first date. I never looked back after that, and the more I got to know him the more smitten I became. Derrick was everything I had ever wanted and never thought I'd find. He was kind and charitable, innocent, a little socially awkward at times but it was adorable, he enjoyed the arts and the sciences, doing things rather than sitting around watching tv and movies, laughed at my jokes, had a strong testimony and didn't make me feel weird and dowdy for being so molly mormon. Unfortunately the timing just wasn't right, after a month of feeling like the luckiest girl in the world, things ended, but it was right that they did, we both have things we need to experience. But he's the reason why it could take some time for me to find that right person, because he's set a pretty high bar. I don't know if our paths will cross again, we're just friends for now. The future is so much a mystery. Will I get into grad school? Will I find a job? Will I stay faithful? Who will I marry? For many of my friends, some these questions have been answered, but not for me. I am now living passed the plans I made when I was 15, I didn't plan anything past a mission at 21... and I didn't even do that. One thing I do know is that the Lord has a plan for me and I can wonder but I don't have to worry, everything will work out. I know some day I'll meet someone who will blow Derrick out of the water, until then I am determined to never settle again. Until then England is my man , as that is where I plan to go for grad school. I've been listening a lot to Devotionals about students and deciding for the future, and even commencement addresses--they get me excited and dispell my fears. Often in life, the plan we should take is the one we fear most. We can be assured of this because fear is of the devil, the Lord will warn us and assure us, but the devil will make us doubt, make us scared, because he knows where we need to be and what will make us happy. Do not doubt once that peaceful assurance has been given, trust in God and be bouyed up by your faith.

Now I wonder...